


December

by Slack_Jarrow



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Doubt, Doubting friendship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Repressed, Friendship, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Scared of feels, Swearing, minor drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:28:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28312383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slack_Jarrow/pseuds/Slack_Jarrow
Summary: Ch.1: It's December. Last year Evan had met Delirious. For a few days, they spent time together yet it never made up for 9 years of lost time. Evan goes through the emotions of dealing with knowing he will most likely never get an opportunity like that again. He wants Delirious this year too.Ch.2: After weeks of Evan not responding to Delirious’ questions the man himself decides to show up during an unexpected time. (Evan has been taking regular walks to ’clear his head’) Delirious shows up like a ghost haunting Evan. Out of nowhere and silently showing he’s hurt through those ocean eyes.Ch.3: Evan breaks down emotionally. He isn’t doing well with knowing he’s keeping Delirious at arm’s length. He’s conflicted between needing him and not wanting him.
Relationships: Evan Fong/Jonathan | H2ODelirious
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Cold Blues

**Author's Note:**

> It's December. Last year Evan had met Delirious. For a few days, they spent time together yet it never made up for 9 years of lost time. Evan goes through the emotions of dealing with knowing he will most likely never get an opportunity like that again. He wants Delirious this year too.

Five hours is all it felt like when I was with him. The time went by so fast. Each time he smiled at me or something stupid on his phone, the room lit up. His stupid, crazed laughter was like music to my ears. It was a sound I couldn’t record to relive the moment, a sound I couldn’t capture to keep for myself. His laugh was extraordinary in person. From how his shoulders rose ever so slightly to how his lips pulled into a warm smile. He is mesmerizing, my eyes couldn’t look away. Either it is out of me needing to embed his face into my mind or simply because I couldn’t get enough of who he was. It’s saddening to know what I’m doing. I usually never take walks around my neighborhood but I didn’t stop walking further and further away from my home.  
Every step reminds me of another moment we had, every crack stepped on giving me a glimpse of his face, every icy pathway leaving the image of his blue eyes in my mind. Why was this so depressing? Shouldn’t I be happy I finally met the guy? Is he thinking about me too or was it just another day to him? I sigh, not wanting to think about how he may not be feeling what I feel. What do I feel? I lift my head to watch where I’ve been walking for all this time, a smaller neighborhood not too far from my own, lit up with Christmas decorations, lawns covered with ice, windows, roofs all lined with colorful or bland lights. I admit, a year ago he was at arms reach, a nudge away, a turn of the head and he was by my side. I overhear a couple talking, laughing, and giggling. How they stare at one another, their arms around each other, full of trust and love. I softly smile to myself. I loved it when he needed to look into my eyes whenever he spoke. I felt connected, grounded, and not lost in the clouds or my thoughts when he was here. We haven’t spoken in days but it felt like months. What changed? We used to talk every day and now it was maybe twice a week. I stop walking and stare at the blue lights imitating icicles. I remember when he was here with me, like the time he wanted to hold my hand and drag me along while we searched the city. I clench my fist inside my jacket’s pocket, my hands feel so empty. A feeling of discomfort is sudden, my heart aches from within my chest. Did I miss him that much? I never did before, or maybe I didn’t notice his absence until now. He should be here with me watching these blinding lights shine on trees inside of houses. It’s fine. He doesn’t need me as I need him. He doesn’t care to this extent. It’s only me and I need to snap out of it. So what if I want to see him, he’d never let it happen again. I’m sure he regrets letting me visit him only to bring him back here to extend our vacation from games. I don’t miss his laughter in person. I don’t miss his face. I can get past this. I don’t miss...his taste. My gut turns, my heart aches yet again and I can’t stop it. I place my hand over my heart. I’m finding this hilarious. My emotional hurt can be visible after all. Not that anyone cares to ask the lonesome guy on a Christmas week if he’s okay. I should go home. I deeply sigh and watch my breath disappear into the cold air. The walk back wasn’t as long as I hoped it to be. I didn’t look at those lights again, the icy sidewalks had thawed leaving nothing but a glimmer of the sun peeking through the clouds. I ignore the people laughing and hugging, fuck winter and fuck Christmas. I don’t need any of this. I walk up to my door, jiggle the key in and enter the living room. Toasty, just as I left it. No matter how angsty this is, even the heater can’t warm up my cold heart. I take off my coat, jacket, and leave my shoes by the door. With a heavy sigh, I eye the kitchen.

“I need a drink.” I sluggishly made my way to the fridge that has a few cold beers waiting for me inside. I pull one out and lean against the counter. I pop off the lid and lift it to my lips. Before I could take a sip I hear my phone ding. I shut my eyes briefly. It’s not him. It’s not him. It’s. Not. Him. I set my beer on the counter behind me and dig my phone out of my pocket. The screen lights up to show I got a notification. Twitter. Someone tagged me in some fanart. I appreciate it, but it’s not what I need right now. I turn around and carelessly toss my phone onto the counter and grab the beer again. I take a swig, a few swigs. I scoff at myself. I’m acting like a broken ex-girlfriend. Luckily there’s no one here to judge me. Nevermind, I judge myself. This liquid isn’t making me feel better nor numb, it makes these thoughts and feelings stronger. I slam the bottle down and rub my face with my hands. I groan in desperation this feeling goes away. It doesn’t. It lingers like a parasite, latching onto my weakness known as Delirious. 

“Why does he have to be like this?” I push down the hurt, the sob wanting to escape, the tears wanting to fall. I’m not weak. I won’t breakdown over someone who doesn’t care if his friendships break into pieces. I clench my jaw and grip the edge of the counter. I want to be pissed at him, be upset that he doesn’t want to bring up last year. 

_Ding_

Who the fuck is it now?  
**1 new notification**  
Brock: Are you still playing or not?

Son of a bitch.. I quickly text back affirming I will be. I down the rest of the alcohol, not caring if it leaves a bit of a buzz for me. Hell, I probably need it. I go to my set-up and turn everything on. I make sure it runs well, check for any errors and complications. All is good. I greet the other three with an enthusiastic voice not wanting any talks over my shitty day. I set my phone face down and leave it on silent. I don’t need any distractions while recording, especially when I- I don’t know what to say….

 **3 unread messages**  
Delirious: If you don’t...  
Delirious: We don’t have to talk about it  
Delirious: We okay?


	2. Warm Breeze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After weeks of Evan not responding to Delirious’ questions the man himself decides to show up during an unexpected time. (Evan has been taking regular walks to ’clear his head’) Delirious shows up like a ghost haunting Evan. Out of nowhere and silently showing he’s hurt through those ocean eyes.

Weeks. Weeks with no end in sight, no end in mind. Am I afraid to tell him? I’m not sure what I would say. I know I should have said something, anything to let him know I didn’t want it to be like this. What a wonderful friend I am. I’ve kept those messages on my lock screen to remind me of what I’m losing. My mind, myself, my best friend. There’s no way we’ll ever be okay again. I tightly shut my eyes when I felt my lip tremble. This is bullshit. I feel as if I caused all of this between us. A tension that can’t be broken. The weather hasn’t let up, it’s as cold as ever, it makes me want to shiver. I’ve been taking these walks since this drama began. Luckily no one notices it besides me and Delirious. I didn’t need Brock getting in on our business and forcing me to talk. I just needed to think. It’s the same thoughts as all the other times I have walked this path. The icy walkway, those blue eyes. Bland Christmas lights shining only make me think of him beside me. I shake my head. Why can’t I forget about it? Why do I want to? There’s too much conflict inside me. I want to forget, I don’t want to forget. I want him here, I hope he never comes back. I should have put on another sweater, one was not cutting it. I felt so cold, it’s so quiet. I don’t want to be in my own house since he’s left. It no longer felt like a home to me. 

“What the fuck is happening to me?” I say the same thing every time I come here. This is ridiculous. I won’t cry over someone who...unwillingly has my heart in the palm of their unworthy hands. I rather he holds my hands than my heart but he never cared to ask what I want. A day before Christmas and I’m as miserable as a depressed animal. He may as well have heard me like cattle. Why do I never watch where I’m walking? I raise my head only to be met with Christmas joy. Everyone was smiling, laughing, holding each other. Music from cheap stores rung out, all using overplayed holiday songs. Families met in cheer, couples kissed under a plant, best friends took pictures together, siblings bicker only to laugh afterward. I’m wasting all my time, creating more distance between us with each step forward. Holidays were never my favorite. The least I could do was get gifts for my friends and family. I’m reminded of the present I got him months ago. Neatly wrapped because I cared, signed his and my name carefully. I haven’t sent it. I don’t think I will. It’s not like he got me anything, he usually never did. When I did I assume it had been piled up with random things he found in his garage. Have I gotten sour towards him? I never thought I could hate him this much, yet I know I don’t hate him. There’s that conflict again. I stop walking and stare at the ground for minutes. Black boots come into my sight and stop in front of me. Why is my heart racing?

“We need to talk.” That fucking voice. How it’s tormented me for a year. It never left my mind for a second. Why must everything I do revolve around him now? I don’t look up to see his damned face. I stare off to my right and look through a window to see the organized fireplace with stockings hanging nearby. I’m reminded of when he told me about his childhood stocking, a deep red with a Rudolph the rednosed reindeer head. How he lost it among the junk in his storage and needed to get a new one. We did that together and decorated them with cheap products. I slightly smile at how joyful we were. How close we used to be. How happy we made each other.

“Evan, please.” Even after so much, he can still fool me with the fake hurt he has. “I’m not leaving until we talk.” Fine.

“Have a jolly fucking holiday.” I stare at his eyes, trying not to get lost in the orbs of blue. I don’t want to memorize him anymore. I turn around deciding it’s best if I return to my house. I hear the crunch of snow behind me. I know he’ll follow me. If only we could hold- I don’t want him here. I’ll let him walk me home, try to speak to me, then I’ll slam the door in his face.

“Evan.” This motherf.. He dares to step in front of me. If I didn’t think his face was decent I would punch him. “If this is about last year-”...  
“Good on you for figuring that one out on your own. You really do surprise me sometimes.” I shove my hands into my sweater pocket. I watch him, his movements, his body language. He looks off for a moment, I know I just pissed him off and I don’t care.

“I don’t- I’m not sure what you think about it.” He spoke lower as if he didn’t want anyone to hear. It’s funny, there’s no one close enough to hear us.

“I think we shouldn’t talk about it. It meant nothing.” The moment those words left my lips I regretted them. I can think badly of him, hurt him from behind a screen, but seeing him in front of me with the most hurt and numb expression breaks me. I look down, I can’t handle this.

“Take that back.” His voice is so soft, whispered out like a cursed secret. He’s broken too. 

“Say you didn’t mean it.” I can’t bring myself to speak. The feeling is back and I struggle to force it down. I won’t break in front of him, I won’t let that happen. 

“If-” His voice breaks. There’s no telling if I did that or if he is struggling with other things. There’s no way for me to know. We don’t tell each other shit anymore. I can hear him breathe slowly, trying to contain his emotions. I wonder if he’s angry or sad. Maybe both, he often mixes them.

“If that’s truly how you feel, I’m sorry. But it means everything to me. I know why you don’t want to talk about it. It’s- it’s something you’re ashamed of or you- or we- it…” Even he isn’t sure what to say. I admit it hurts more to be able to confirm he doesn’t feel the same about what happened.

“I don’t regret it.” Everything around me lightens up, as silly as that sounds. The ice beneath me looks as if it’s thawing around us. Cold air is welcomed to my warming face and neck. The people doing their things seem much happier than something I envy. 

“You don’t?” I can’t bring myself to look him in the eye yet. I look at his sweater, a navy blue. The strings to the hood are unleveled and I knew if he noticed he would fix them immediately; he liked them to be leveled. 

“I think it was overdue.” His words can’t be honest. Years of this battle and nothing said? Not once? Unbelievable. 

“You can’t-”

“I do.” I’m not sure what I should do, what I should think, how I should feel. I’m scared to find out. No, this is too risky for both of us. I shake my head. His eyes glimmer and for a second I catch a glimpse of his soul. Too pure, too broken, too much trust.

“We can’t.” I push past him and pick up my walking pace. I can feel his eyes on me, they burn deeper with the steps I take. I’m being taken to damnation with who I am. All his promises, all the times we spoke of visiting, I never thought it would only be twice. Once it was the best days of my life. Once it was the worst year of my life. My feet stop. My breathing is irregular, it’s like he was holding a rope around my neck and the further I got the harder it got to breathe on my own. I look behind me. He’s sitting there like a lost dog. No doubt thinking about how shit our videos may be from this point on. How long we’ll have to fake being friends and laughing with the others. I’m not sure I can do it. I take a hesitant step toward him, but I won’t go further. His head turns to me, I clench my jaw. I make a fist in my pocket for the hundredth time and force myself to look away and carry on to my house. He can sit there for as long as he wants.

I don’t need to be loved by you.


	3. Burning Glow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan breaks down emotionally. He isn’t doing well with knowing he’s keeping Delirious at arm’s length. He’s conflicted between needing him and not wanting him.

I slam the door behind me not caring if it knocks something down. He can be so unreasonable at times. He makes my blood boil. I’m so fucking pissed and yet my eyes water with petty tears. Why am I like this? What did I do? What. Did. I. Do.

“What did I do!” I sat in the middle of the floor holding my head in my hands. My heart aches so much, it’s painful. My throat feels like it’s tightening. I let out a choked sob to my surprise. I’m a mess for what reason? Delirious said he didn’t regret it, we could have made up right there and be fine with a couple of cups of hot chocolate. What did I do?

I’m alone.

 **Jonathan’s POV**  
“I don’t understand why he’s upset. First, it’s all smiles and a good time, the next he’s hardly talking to me and pushing me away; literally.” I’m talking to no one. The stray dog was merely looking for food, I’m glad he sat and waited like a good boy. Unfortunately, I don’t have any food on me.

“Sorry, bud. I don’t have anything for you.” He makes a whining noise that makes me feel bad, but I know there’s nothing I can do. He stands up and walks away in search of something.

“Yeah, go ahead and leave since I don’t have anything to offer for you. Just like someone else I know.” Years of feeling this way, concealing it from him because I feared he would drop me as a friend. If only he told me, if only I knew sooner, maybe we wouldn’t be distant. I’m not even sure we would work then either. If he thinks us being together in a more than friendly way is too risky to our reputations then the world and anyone who disrespects us can shove it up their asses. I won’t have anyone or anything come between me and Evan unless the thing coming between us is ourselves. 

“My ass is wet.” I can feel the ice turning into water. I’m such a dumbass, who sits on ice? I stand up and wipe myself off. It doesn’t do much but- 

“Where am I supposed to go?” I did not think this through. I was upset at Evan, overthinking what he could be thinking and feeling about me. I acted without thinking. I didn’t want to lose him, we’ve been through so much together and this, of all things that could hurt us, this is what breaks us apart? No. Not a chance in my lifetime. I stare down the sidewalk that he left in, the one that leads to his house. I’m making this right. I’ll make him listen and understand. He needs to know how I feel.

 **Evan’s POV**  
How long has it been since I saw his eyes, his face, heard his voice? A little over an hour. He’s not coming. As I sit, I lean against the kitchen counter. The beer in the fridge was left untouched as I didn’t have the energy to fetch it. I assume he thinks I don’t care, and for good reason. I made it out that I don’t care, that I won’t care, that we will never be us again. I’ve jokingly said that I hate myself before, and with how shit’s been going I’m pretty sure I seriously do. If he decided to leave, fuck him. If he decides to come here, fuck him. I make it to the point where whatever he thinks he should do, he shouldn’t do. There’s no winning for him and I hate that I made it that way.

_Knock, knock_

God. Fucking. Dammit. 

I’m not doing this. I’ll tell him to leave me alone for a while and we’ll talk later when we cool down. I stand up and wipe my tear-stained face. I make my way to the door and prepare myself to see those hurt eyes. I swing open the door and-

“Hi, delivery for Evan Fong?” Wait, what?  
“Yeah?” The man hands over a medium-sized box with a smile. I look at the sender’s name. 

_Jonathan_

Fuck.. He still sent me something. I’m an awful person. He waves goodbye and I close the door. I slowly walk to the counter and grab a knife to open the package. I’m careful with it as the label says fragile. What could he have possibly sent me? I pull out the box within the cardboard and look at the colors. It was painted. He painted it. I open the box and stare at what’s inside. A sculpture of my character and Delirious’ character stands side by side with smiles. His character is holding a mistletoe above mine and mine is jabbing a banana into his blue sweater. I take hold of it and sadly smile. The mistletoe, our smiles, me teasing him. It’s simple and yet it holds a lot of meaning. 

_Knock, knock, knock_

I place the sculpture down gently and make my way to the door. Why would he add the mistletoe? That was something that was because of Christmas, he was joking and I took it seriously. That was the cause of all this separation. 

“Yeah?” I ask as I open the door. I expected the delivery man, maybe he forgot something. 

“I told you I don’t regret it.” That fucking voice. I gasp, his eyes are a cold blue and yet there’s a fire in them. I open my mouth to say something, but I can’t when he’s stepping into my personal space. I tense as he closes the distance between us. It was desperately needed, this space should have never existed. His lips taste of sweets, they’re just as soft as the first time. His hands on my face are cold but it’s gladly welcomed as my face was burning. The tingle lingers on my lips as he slowly pulls away.

“Permission to say something cheesy?” I softly chuckle.

“Yes?” He smiles, my heart doesn’t physically melt but if it could it will always melt for his damned smile.

“It’s a Christmas miracle.” I smile and shake my head.

“Shut the fuck up.” He smirks like a little shit and gently rubs my cheeks. He eyes my lips, I couldn’t help but return the look.

“Gladly.” I’ll be sent to damnation, all for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this last one is the shortest of the three chapters, and the chapters are short enough as it is. It was a brief moment of inspiration and I decided the first chapter could have a longer story. Yes, originally it was a one-shot type of deal but I had free time and well all out. I haven't written in a while and this was a good bounce back. Thanks for reading and I hope ye enjoyed! Wait... That's not my saying. Still valid though.


End file.
